Alone, Attitude and Anything else?...

I never really have friends since I was a kid. I wouldn't blame them since I stayed really far from school and I don't have much freedom when I was a kid. That was pimary in secondary I found friends but only a few of them. The only very best buddy was still my best friend where she undestands me and I understand her.

Now in uni, it is hard to make new friends in a new environment. I don't really conform to others when socializing its just that after 2 semesters they started to ignore me leaving me alone while they move in packs. I'm sick of the "pack" thing, groups of two, four, six... ... Yes, maybe sometimes i make it clear i wanna be alone but sometimes the loneliness is just unbearable.

Other than that, they only seek for my help when it comes to academics. I don't mind helping them just that it make me feel like i'm just a life line when theres trouble. Yes, its fun helping people and i'm happy and grateful that i can be of assisstant but i hate people taking advantage of me. They shunt me out almost all the time and when they need something... well, you get the picture.

I need friends, i need someone to cling on, I need somebody to listen to my secrets and desires like anybody else ... I am not a machine!! like they think i am(they call me processor btw)Though i like being alone its sometimes is too overwhelming for my system and i feel like i'm suffocating.

A few days ago a friend of mine told me the reason behind why my ex-best-friend didn't hang out with me anymore. Apparently, my ex-bud actually told her that she has a prob with my attitude or the way i talked... She said, i need to change, so that i can have friends again. Though we spoke through msn, i am hurt deeply by that remark.

It hurts when the truth turns into an icy cold spear, it hurts when someone u hang out with for the whole semester suddenly stop speaking to you, it hurts when u try to reach only to be receive with less warmth than you hope for.... I 've tried to change everything. When i try to reveal my true self people tend to turn away...

Maybe there is something wrong with me.... maybe its more than that i dunno... sometimes i don't know what i did wrong maybe its just my whole set...I... really feel like i'm worthless and empty inside... just like scraps of flesh and knowledge residue...

Is it normal to be alone? is it normal to be disliked?is it still normal that even if u've changed, people still don't really care? is it me or did the world just got colder... ...?