Holi~Dayz...^^

Holidays are finally here... after a month of suffering I am finally free from the torture of academic pressure... Yay!!! hurray for the holidays. Its Boxing day but i didnt get any gifts though except for one, thanks to my friend Mr. E for the teddy bear whose name is now officially "Teddy". I know I have no naming talent for stuff toys but what the heck... lazy to think of a name ^^

Well, thats it for this post. I'll put my holidays to good use now... sleep.... hehe^^

2012

After watching the midnight this movie last night it really got me thinking, is apocalypse really coming, will the world really end by 2012 and what would i be doing until then?

i never gave a REALLY serious thought about my future, i mean apart from studying hard and achieve first class honor's. Its sad to think that the world will end by the time i graduated. Unlike the US government featured in the movie, i don't think that Malaysia has the power nor money to built modern versions of Noah's Ark so we are doomed...

On the optimistic side, we can live our life to fullest for the next of three years and pray that GOD will let us into heaven when the time comes. Although movies are usually a work of fantasy and fiction but this time, i think Roland Emmerich is trying to make a point or rather give a warning to the rest of the human race that THE END is coming.

Never mind the apocalypse, i have more important things to focus on right now, like how to pass my academic writing paper and improve my score on my Pengajian Malaysia finals. Yes, finals are coming, they are even more scary than the apocalypse...

New look ...^^

This is the new look i have for my blog... very zen like... for my readers, look at the left hand corner you'll see something for you to play with...^^ Hope you guys like it ...

Wake me up ...when September ends...

September is almost over, only one subject left on my exam schedule and an extra subject i have to take during my semester break, the most important subject in a uni student's life(or so they say) MUET (i forgot what it stands for though).

This semester break is a time for all things new: attending my first church wedding(our grammar lecturer, Ms Cheng's wedding), travelling to kampar just for exam purposes n maybe learn basic guitar technics...^^ Although i hav so many things planned, i dunno whether i have time to do them. Plus, i hav some DIY projects lining up so hav to work out a time schedule.

A message to all my friends out there: sorry if i hav not listened to ur complaints, i sometimes tend to be really selfish n not notice whether i hav brush off ur problem with a offensive "who cares" so, Sorry again n plz remind me if i get selfish again.. ^^

Suicidal Poem...for those whose heart had been broken...

This is a break up poem written by one of my friends. I just want to share it with all those whose heart had been broken by that "special" guy/girl... so, here it is :

i wanna see the broken hearts finding hope in GOD above i want to know Im doing all i can so with this life,with all im No matter wat cost it maybe i pray to see your love become our cause i wont stop believing you alone are.. you alone are GOD In You there's freedom your love brings me to my knees again we're gonna bring the anthem of love we've gonna live for YOU now... may YOUR love become our every though *thought i want to learn the sound of YOUR heart i wanna live for YOU now... for u... for u... it's all for u singing u u bring me life u bring me hope u're all i need never say forever coz 'forever' makes me cry and bleed.. never say hello if u really mean goodbye... never say u're to,if u never plan to start..never ever look into my eyes if all u do is LIE never talk about feeling if they aren't there in the first place NEVER say 'i love u' if u don't really care bout me.. i was born to tell u i love u..isn't that a song already... there are times where i can't decide whether 2 see u or not...i want to see u because i miss u and u r running around in my mind... love=suicide hey.. im gonna draw a picture, a picture wif a twist, i'll draw it with a razor blade, i'll draw it on my wrist... tell her i hate her,tell her i've moved on wif life,tell her i dont think about her anymore and tell her i said these will bloody tears coming out from my eyes I can always make u smile despite of u making me bleed... there are times where i dun wanna see u because everytime i do,the fact the u dont see me the way that i see u hurts me even more and broke my heart into smaller pieces from the already shattered pieces of it... NEVER EVER hold my hand if u're going to BREAK my heart!just because u were hurt doesnt mean u shouldnt bleed,i can be ANYONE,ANYTHING...I promise i can be what u need... please dont tell me that im the only one that's vulnerable all along the relation.. im fucking hate the fact the i still miss and love u... Im hating the fact that u dun fucking care bout me anymore when i still care bout u...
i asked wat was wrong and u smiled and said "NOTHING"...then u turned around and whispered in ur heart "EVERYTHING"!
to be on the edge of breaking down and there's was no one to save u...to hold u...to hug u...to embrace u in their arms...
Im half alive waiting for your half of love which will never come to me again...
I was so STUPID to think that MAYBE for one second that u CARED bout me..
until the day I die or suicide,i spill my heart for u...
love never wanted me..it is not as easy as u think it is...it is actually cruel and a heartbreaker..
Here's my heart..i will let u break it,smash it and shattered it into million pieces!!
you'll never realise how much it hurts and bleeds...until it happens to u...and u will regret about your actions towards me...
A broken heart never really heals...it stays there for eternity...
Blood is flowing out like a waterfall from my chest as my heart bleeds until there's a deep hole in it
Im sorry that i cant be someone perfect for u in everyway and for that,i deserved wat i get...
pulling a gun's trigger on my head doesn't hurt as much as my heart hurts...
the stars will cry the darkest tears ever tonight...
You can only feel better when u cannot feel anything at all...
the truth is that you could slit or slice my throat with a razor blade and with my ONE last GASPING breath,I will apologize for bleeding and spilling my blood on ur hands and shirt...
take my hand...take my life...to where ever u go...dun leave me behind...
There's always gonna be that ONE person,that no matter wat they DO or wat they SAY or how many times they may HURT or make u BLEED,u juz cant let them go because they juz mean so MUCH to u
How can u BREAK my FUCKING heart and then tell me that u still love me?? Dont FUCK wif my heart!!
Always thinking of u no matter where im,wat time it is,how im...even on my deathbed...
Love is the sweetest from of suicide...bye...
This world doesn't matter to me..I'll give up all I had just to breathe the same air as you till the day that I die..I can't take my eyes off of you...
The truth turn to shocking,the shocking turns to sadness,my sadness turns to broken heart and my broken heart turns to suicide,And it takes away my pain...
All I had to say is goodbye...We're better off this way...
I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive coz everything we're been thru & everything about u seemed 2b a lie..A guiltless twisted heartless lie!!!! It made me learn 2 hate u & hate myself 4 letting it pass by!!!
U walked out of my life...ur words felt like a knife stabbing thru my heart..Im not living dis fucking life!!!
These streets are filled wif memories..both perfect & in pain..all I wanna do is luv you But Im da only one 2 blame...
What i know if u really forgot and leave me,all u did was stop da bleeding but these fucking scars will stay forever...
Stay wif me or watch me bleed... ...
Suddenly it's a cold,hard road wen I wake up & I dun think dat I hav da strength
2 let you go...maybe it's just me all along!!
da tear in your eye & your calm,hard face makes me wish dat I was never brought into this place and condition da 1st place...
Crying alone tonight,wasting all of my life juz thinking of you...so juz come back..we'll make it better and I'll make it better than it ever was!
Your eyes telling me lies & making me find myself while u hav ur own fucking agenda!!!
Im blind 2 all of ur colors that used to be rainbow in colour...my eyes,where did they go to?? Y couldn't i see the truth...
It's hard 2b all alone...I neva got thru ur fucking disguise!! I guess I'll juz go & face all my fear and pain all alone .
my eyes r screaming 4 da sight of you...tonite Im dreaming of all da things dat we've been thru and I can't hold on 2u. So I guess I feel lonely in pain...
Dis break down's eating and killing me alive & Im tired,dis fight is fighting 2 survive..it's in my body..it's strong enough 2 fight..so pliz help me make dis right...
I dun think dat I knew da chaos I was getting in...but I've broken all my promises 2u..Y do you fucking do dis 2 me so easily? U make it hard 2 smile bcoz U make it hard 2 breathe!!
Dese days aren't easy like dey hav been once b4..These days aren't easy anymore and u changed my life into a fucking miserable life!!
I shud've known dis wasn't real in da 1st place & fought it off...fought 2 feel wat matters most? EVERY SINGLE THING!!
Waiting 4 ur sms & call,I'm desperate 4u 2 keep in touch wif me again
Im tired of being all alone & dis solitary moment makes me 1 2 go back home...
If u leave me,i will wake up all alone & dun tell me dat I will make it on my own..dis heart of stone and steel will sink til it dies...
Dun u noe dat my heart is pumping & it's putting up da fight...And I've got dis feeling dat everything's going 2b alright..
Im not da only 1 4u but u r da only 1 4 me...
If u can take a look and see urself thru my eyes,then u will see how beautiful u r...
Im broken,abandoned,u r an angel,making all my dreams come true 2nite...
I cant pretend dat i wasnt terrified 2 see u coz i knew u could c right thru me...
Ur beauty seems so far away..and i had like 2 write a thousand books & songs 2 make u understand how beautiful u r 2 me
Ur beauty seems so far away..and i had like 2 write a thousand books & songs 2 make u understand how beautiful u r 2 me
Pliz make it stop or else my heart is really going to pop coz it's too much & it's a lot 2b something dat im not..
im a FOOL out of love coz i juz cant get enough
Dear god,da only thing i ask of u is 2 hold her even if im not around..wen i've been forgotten by her...
im lonely,im tired,im missing u again...oh fucking no...!!!!
i saw u smiling at me,was it real or juz my fantasy... will always be there in the corner...
time is all i ask u..i need juz one more day...
well excuse me while i get killed softly,my hearts slow down and i can hardly tell anyone that im ok...
im almost alive and i need u 2 try and save me...it's ok dat we r dying...but we need 2 survive
i was trying 2 disappear,but u got me wrapped around u and lost in ur eyes now..u brought me down 2 size now..i can hardly breath without u...
My tears run down like razorblades and im not the one 2 blame...it's u or izzit me????!!!
but now it's over,why izzit over?? we had da chance 2 make it...it cant be over i wish that i could take it back
i lose myself in all these fights,i lose my sense of wrong and right...i cry!!!
it's shaking from the pain dat's in my head,i juz wanna crawl into my bed and throw away da life i led
im falling apart...dont say this wont last 4ever..u r breaking my heart...dont tell me that we weill never be 2gether...we could be over and over...we could b 4ever...it's not over,it's never over...unless u let it take u!!!!!!!
izzit true that u r alwayz this breathtaking and ur cheerful and u r willing...my god,this is killing me!!
tell me all da things u never said,we could lie and talk 4 hours in my place...
tell me all of ur hope,all ur dreams,i want u 2 take me there...every breath,i juz want u 2 know that i will b there..i will never let u down


Touching yet suicidal... i think i would never write anything like that...^^

Birthday wishes...

I'm officially 19 today. One year older, another year passed in my life and on the way to adulthood.

I want to thank all my friends who wished me today & especially WL & YJ who paid for my pre-birthday meal plus my housemates who gave me presents & who bothered to remember my birthday...

Another year has passed and I have to grow up to match up with my age so.. happy birthday to me and again thank you to all who celebrated it with me..^^

Pressure, Stress or just plain Paranoia

The workload of degree life is finally getting to me. Even though i didn't really helped much in the HEL assignment, i couldn't help but feel inferior to my peers who could score 91% in the HEL progress test. While some of u will just tell me to study instead of whining here but bear with me... please.

You may say that i expect too much but i really do hope i could match up with my classmates in strength and passion for the English language. I do love English with its use in daily communication and for reading it but i dont think my language proficiency matches up to my peers. Maybe i expect too much from ability or maybe i hope that i could achieve what i achieve during my foundation year. Being the smartest in class was always my thing and now i am not anymore. This really sucks!

For all my life, i have never be the first in anything or the best at anything everyday i would discover that someone else will achieve greater heights than i did. For once i really hope that i could be the best in something. I hope or hoped to be the best now i really don't know where i should be.

I should really stop to be the one stressed over results rather than enjoying the process quoting a song i recently heard by Miley Cyrus, ( im gonna be hated for this) " The Climb' it really strick me in the head. Its so true what she sings in the song and its exactly a reflection of my inner struggle. While some of you may think its a complain or whining from a person who self-admit that she has low IQ and has bad taste for songs but i don't care. I really think that this song is good and really gives out meaning than other songs.

Never mind the songs but i really hope that people will hear this. You may treat this as a ridiculous post but thanks for hearing me out anyway. Thanks^^

Sleeping in class

Here I am listening to my lecturer blabbering on and on about syllables ... n snap... my head droops n i fall asleep.. now trying to keep myself awake by typing in a new entry.

Monday is the day for phonetics... lecture n tutorial. God, its suffering.. n fun at the same time still its in the afternoon and the room is air-conditioned = very good sleeping environment..

This week i have a quiz consisting of 100 questions for HEL(History of English Language) n it covers 7 chapters... n the types of questions is different like True/False, MCQ n fill in the blanks.. i think its stupid i mean who still give fill in the blanks in univercity level but then again its a QUIZ well, it depends on the lecturer then.

I never really liked History so the quiz is going to be especially the lecturer is no fun old git...we call him the Devil since he teaches HEL... haha.. n we have to see him twice a week for both lectures n tutorials. Too bad for us since we are going to be roasted in the fire of HEL, Twice!!

Hope i can survive this course since the Devil himself said that he would'nt care if we go n complain to God about his doings.. so I NEED TO SURVIVE HEL... may GOD bless me..

New semester update...

Hi ya... sorry for the late update heres a back-to-back recallation of the weeks that I've been through...

Week 1- learn a brief intro of all subjects n elected new class/course rep(actually she volunteered... the guys in our class have no balls!!)

Week 2-went to first ever soft skill programme"speak up with confidence", learned a lot from Mr. Gerald Green , meet a lot of new friends.

Week 3- finally met Mr S** our intro to mass comm tutor, decides not to like him. Went to 2nd soft skill programme " Taking Responsibility-Take Charge", learned new term" bangau-ing" which equals to "making excuses n blaming others".

Week 4-Struggling to make sense of everything learned...

Week 5- Still strugglling...

Week 6- handed up first individual assignment ... many more to come...

Week 7- handed up 2nd indivudual assignment( Grammar journal) .. still lots more to go..

so thats the update.. sorry for the short entry but I have to go study for my HEL(History of English Language) quiz next week... see you guys next entry...

The new semester...

Sorry about the last post which i didn't finish writing due to fatigue and extreme talketiveness. Anyway, update on my next day, went n listen to the ptptn talk, pay my fees, met a few new ppl, etc the rest are typical college like activities.

Still there r some bad things about private institutions like even though u were in their foundation programme, your name doesn't show up because u haven't pay, what kind of rule is that I know that "private" means business first n service later but until this extent .... ... wow, its kinda shows that the institution is money minded...

I am kinda happy n worried about the new semester ... call me paranoid but i think its the normal "after holiday " jitters.worried that i don't meet new friends, worried about the studies n stuff like that.

Anyway i will keep u guys posted about my new semester.

Holidays coming to an end...

Driving license...

As all Malaysians should know before u can drive u should pass the driving test which is what i'm going to do tomorrow or more accurately, i hope to ...

I don't know why but i get butterflies in my stomach when the car is moving on the road. Maybe it was just pure paranoia or is it just pre-driving jitters, i sweat seriously when i drive.

Well, hopefully i pass my test tomorrow ...please wish me luck ^^

Family Business

Believe it or not I just realise that I have a family business(only on my mom's side though). Its actually a network formed through the best company in the direct selling district, (drumroll please) AMWAY.

Today, after my driving lesson, I helped my mom with her bread maker demonstration. Though I have listened to her demonstration speech more than a thousand times. This time I really think it through, do I really want to continue on with the family tradition and business?

This business began with my uncle who was a doctor. He began doing it and is now quite successful as a Amway distributor. Both my aunt and my mom also followed his footsteps in doing this business. All my cousins are in this business, and I get a strong hint of getting hit with the Amway bomb.

I shouldn't worry about it yet cause I have no interest in it. I'm a scardy cat, who is paranoid and one who can't stand criticism.I really don't think that I can start on the road that is definitely going to be damn hard.

Well, thats all I have to whine for now. Hope that I pass my driving exam.

Just checking my mail... This is something memorable...

I was just checking my mail, and this is one the mail I have received... hope everybody who read this can feel the suffering and hardships of the heroine...(Note: this story was not written by me!)
***
Each prostitution, can help one schooless child; become a mistress once, can rescue a hopeless primary school... Don't laugh, after you read, u won't laugh.
After I read this story, I speakless. I don't know what to say, is it society's fault, or else?
Xia die, she was a hooker, or she was a teacher.... She is the most honourable teacher in China . She use her dirty body, wash thru children's heart. A hooker's death, all children cried and attend her funeral, a school drop the national flag for her.
In the funeral of this 21yo pretty teacher, headmaster read Xia's diary sadly in front of all the students, she written : 'Each prostitution, can help one schooless child; become a mistress once, can rescue a hopeless primary school.'....

Xia lived in a small village of province of Gan Shu . All ladies in this small village, no matter she is pretty or not, went to Southern part of city to earn money. Every spring time, they will come back with money and beautiful cloths. Xia didn't follow after she finished her secondary school. A lot of people don't understand what is she thinking of as she has the pretty face and body. And because of this, her father always scold her.

When she heard of the only primary school in the village needs some teachers, she volunteerly ask to become a free teacher. She is a very good student in her secondary school and because of this, she easily pass thru all the test and became the teacher of the school.
The 1st time when Xia walk into the classroom, all children shock to see a pretty teacher.

From then on, the classroom always fill with children's laughter. Classroom -- should call it a hut instead as the wall is made of sticks and cover with leaves as its ceiling. A big stone become their table and the most expensive should be the polished dark-green stone as their blackboard. With this condition, Xia taught thousands of Chinese words and knowledge to her students.
There was wild rain destroy the classroom of the school and all students become schoolless.. The headmaster visit the province's education minister for some money to repair the classroom and come back with nothing.

Headmaster told Xia that the minister said only will give money if Xia ask for it. Xia never meet any minister before and afraid that she will make the things worst and decided to visit the minister. She walked more than 10km to the province ministry office and sit in a beautiful office in front of the minister. Minister's eyes looks hungry and point to a room and said to Xia. Your money is in the room, if you want, follow me. Xia saw a big bed in the room and is the bed that she lost her virgin. Minister raped her..
Her virgin blood drop on the bedsheet and is more reddish than the color of the national flag in the room.

Xia didn't cry, all she is thinking of is the eyes of all disappointed students that have no classroom.

She didn't tell anyone about the rape after she went home.

The next day, with the money that brought back by Xia, all villagers bought some woods and repair the classroom. But whenever there was a heavy rain, the classroom still cannot be used. Xia always tell the students that province ministry department will built a good school for them. In the past half year, headmaster had visited the ministers more than 100 times and never ever get any money from them. He is the only 1 knows what did Xia did and he can do nothing about it. New semester comes, a lot of students cannot pay their fees and become schoolless and follow their parents to work. Xia sad about that.

When Xia feel that her hope of all students can go to school become hopeless, she drop all her cloths and swear to her naked body that she will use this body to exchange for the children to be able to go to school. She knows that all ladies in the village are working as a prostitute to earn the living and she knows this is a shortcut for her to earn money. She washed herself and say goodbye to headmaster, father, and school. She tight her hair as 2 ponytails and walk to the city.

When she leave, her father smile and headmaster cry....

In the colorful city, Xia is not happy at all, in her mind, there are only broken classroom and sadness and disappointed eyes of students. She walked into a Hair-Saloon, lay down on a dirty bed, and accept her 2nd dirty business. In that night, in her diary, she wrote : 'Minister can't even compare to her 1st customer. At least they pay.'
She sends all her earnings except those for her to live on to headmaster. Headmaster follows her instruction to use the money on the school. People ask about the source of the money and headmaster only answer that it was from some donation of society.

After a while, people knows about the source of money is from the teacher and many reporters would like to interview her and she just refused and the reason is that she is just a prostituet.
With the money, the school changed. First month, there is a new blackboard.. 2nd month, a wooden table and chair. 3rd month, all children has their own books. 4th month, all children has a red tie. 5th month, no children go to school bare leg.

On the 6th month, Xia come back. All students welcome her happily and say 'Teacher is so beautiful'... With all student's smiling face, Xia cries.. how many tear drops and how many sadness in the past 6 months... she feels worthy when she see all these.

After few days at home, she goes back to city.
7th month, built a ball park, 8th month, basketball, 9th month, all students has their new pencils. 10th month, the school has their own national flag, students raise the national flags daily. 11th month, a land-developer refuse to use condom and Xia pregnant. After abortion, she become the developer's mistress. After a few months, the developers dump her because he faced problem on land-value drop in ShengXhen, he didn't pay her 1 cent.

Xia feel tired, she think of go home and go back to the school, but she has yet to fulfill student's dream which are building a concrete classroom and 2 PCs for the students. Because of these, she went back to beg the developer and the developer just refuse to pay anything but only introduce a foreigner to her. Said the foreigner will pay her 3000rmb for 1 night.. Think of the wild rain happen few days ago, she tiredly goes to the foreigner's hotel. She sweared that she will go back to her home and school after this.

She killed by the 3 foreigner because of raping. She just turned 21yo..

Xia died without fulfill her final wish which to build a concrete classroom and 2 PCs.
.
............ A hooker dies, silently, the sky of ShengZhen is still as blue as before, ministers still happily sitting in their office, many expensive cars still running on street, people happily discussing share market, house market value, car value, and movies, music and love story. Youngster try to suicide because of small matters happen between themselves.
At this time, students, teachers and few hundreds of villagers attending the funeral in this small village 'GanShu'

In the funeral, people see a black and white photo of Xia. In the photo, she has 2 pony tails and happily smile. Headmaster open the diary of Xia and read in front of all students, she wrote : ' Each prostitution, can help one schooless child; become a mistress once, can rescue a hopeless primary school...' The national flag drop to its half... May be, this is the ONLY national flag drop half because of a GREAT hooker in China 's history.

After I read this, I cried for 2 hours. From now on, I won't discriminate any hooker, because among them there is a Xia. Hope you will forward this mail to all forum, friends, webspaces, to let all our governments to understand when they are saying and empty-promissing, when they are drinking in the pub, when they are doing dirty politics, Someone using her own power to change the world. Xia is using her sadly eye to look at all of us. Although she is just a hooker, she is more clean and saint than any of us. In this cold and dirty society, what she gave to the students are human's 'Great Love'.

Xia leaves the world with wishes, can't we continue her jobs of bringing more hope to the poors? If we can, why dun we share our love, our capable to these children in the third world or support those who try to be Xia in our country? Share our love to PRC, support them more.. we can be saint ourselves.
***
P.S : I know for those who are masters in the English language will find this hard to read, this e-mail was originally written in Chinese, someone translated this into English(not me!!). I hope everyone can appreciate the moral of the story...

The HOliDAYZ ~~

Yay, the holidays are here!! I'm really excited cause im getting my driver's license... For those people out there who can drive please give me some advice about how to pass my driving exams...^^

Well, I scared my driving instructor half to death with my "wonderful" driving... haha~ I'm pretty scared myself since I "mati enjin" twice on the drive home=_=

Speaking of nervousness, I'm worried about how my first year in degree would turn out... Will I have friends, will they be good friends, am I making the right choice etc... just same old butterflies in my stomach scenario... guess I'm just paranoid... (btw, I think I should change my blog name to something more suitable, since all my posts are all paranoid views ...)

Anyway, I kinda miss my old friends already. Though I'll be seeing them around campus but things will not be the same anymore... One of my classmate is not going to pursue her dream of broadcasting anymore and she will be working fulltime instead.
I would like to wish her the best of luck here, and pray that she will achieve her dream someday...^^

For those who I have offended unintentionally, being hit by my "mood wave" or just "hurt" from the way I act, I would like to apologise sincerely or rather cyberly here. Lets move on to a better semester in our uni lives!!^^

Perfect?... NEVER...

Basically i'm depressed, the finals are here and we just finished our maths paper on the 25th.
I have recieved a comment that i'm paranoid, maybe i am but its for a good sense.

Now i have to teach a few people about social psychology. Based on what i have learned and the results i've gotten for midterm, i really don't have the confidence to teach them... really, if i'm really that good i should have gotten full marks!!

AND , pardon my language, the blabber mouths !! the ones who ruined the movie review... got higher marks than me in the assignment!! STUPID!! REALLY i feel like revenge!!How can they got higher marks than me! WHY!! When i asked for justice, our lecturer told me that their group, ask a lot, corrected a lot, draft a lot, printed nice drafts and ALL that crap!!

WHY?!!! its so unfair.. according to some's opinion our lecturer has a bit of a crush to students who make noise during class... Yay!! Hypothesis:blabbler mouths leaves a bigger impression on lecturers than nerds who really understands the theory and what the heck, blabber mouths got higher marks than the nerd!!

Oh dear, i just perceived myelf like a nerd... bloody!!either way i just hate that those people got higher marks than me. Now i'm under pressure of helping people instead... *sigh*

Self fulfilling Prophecy

I hate those guys in my class who can't seem to keep their mouths shut for even 1 minute. One minute of total silence is all i ask for and they can't seem to do that !

Today was a movie review day for social psychology. We were supposed to watch the movie beforehand and then write out our feelings and what theories have we learned from the movie. Today's movie was " The Mist" a horror film, though it was a little scary, was really meaningful and touching when someone actually, really appreciates it...

The most crucial moment was ruined by the stupid gang of babblers! The were shouting and hooting like a bunch of crazy chimps. I HATE THEM, it was chaos in the class and since our lecturer was half death, it was chaotic and the whole mood of the movie was ruined!

Those guys can't stop talking since the beginning of the semester. Lectures, tutorials you name it they are like crows except that they are 10 times noisier than the actual birds! When asked to answer what principle was applicable in the movie they will start shouting,"Self fulfilling prophecy" like crazy. Self fulfilling prophecy MY FOOT!!

If they were the real followers of the prophecy they would know that since there is people expecting them to be quiet, they should SHUT the FUCK UP!! and not talking like all hell broke loose!!

I'm writting this just to express my feelings please don't be offended by my language. If I had lost my temper i would have... well, i don't know what i'll do..

Type A or Type B?

The other day when we were having our social paychology tutorial class, we had come across an interesting topic, aggression.

Our tutor mentioned that there were 2 types of people in this world in the psychology context, type A and type B. At this point, please look deep down and see if u are that type of person whose more prone to aggression.

Type A: impatient,excessively time conscious, insecure, highly competitive, workaholic, drive themselves of deadline, unhappy about the smallest delay.
Type B: patient, relaxed, secure, easy going.

Well, for those who know me well, it is obvious that i am type A, pure type A. As my tutor mentioned those characteristics one by one, i grew uneasy and gradually depressed. It sounds so bad like I possed all those negative vibes and theres nothing i can do about it. Then one of my classmates said, " Miss, won't those who are type A lonely?" my tutor kinda missed that part but she did hear this," Miss, but those who are type A are resposible and confident." i was glad that that classmate said so , i am glad that someone said that type A still have their positive side.

I was starting to hate myself. I have an arrogance and desire of being superior than everybody else or so said my mom who said that she had the same characteristics, and according to her she still has them but supressed. I tried to change, in exchange for friends.

Change, according to almost everbody, was for the better but for me its a burden and i'm tired about it. When my brother was borned, i changed to become a big sister. When i was left out by friends during primary, I changed to fit in. Secondary school, I changed to gain achievement and now in university i have to change again, to fit in again, to achieve again and for many more things to come...

I am tired of changing, for better, for worse...

Alone, Attitude and Anything else?...

I never really have friends since I was a kid. I wouldn't blame them since I stayed really far from school and I don't have much freedom when I was a kid. That was pimary in secondary I found friends but only a few of them. The only very best buddy was still my best friend where she undestands me and I understand her.

Now in uni, it is hard to make new friends in a new environment. I don't really conform to others when socializing its just that after 2 semesters they started to ignore me leaving me alone while they move in packs. I'm sick of the "pack" thing, groups of two, four, six... ... Yes, maybe sometimes i make it clear i wanna be alone but sometimes the loneliness is just unbearable.

Other than that, they only seek for my help when it comes to academics. I don't mind helping them just that it make me feel like i'm just a life line when theres trouble. Yes, its fun helping people and i'm happy and grateful that i can be of assisstant but i hate people taking advantage of me. They shunt me out almost all the time and when they need something... well, you get the picture.

I need friends, i need someone to cling on, I need somebody to listen to my secrets and desires like anybody else ... I am not a machine!! like they think i am(they call me processor btw)Though i like being alone its sometimes is too overwhelming for my system and i feel like i'm suffocating.

A few days ago a friend of mine told me the reason behind why my ex-best-friend didn't hang out with me anymore. Apparently, my ex-bud actually told her that she has a prob with my attitude or the way i talked... She said, i need to change, so that i can have friends again. Though we spoke through msn, i am hurt deeply by that remark.

It hurts when the truth turns into an icy cold spear, it hurts when someone u hang out with for the whole semester suddenly stop speaking to you, it hurts when u try to reach only to be receive with less warmth than you hope for.... I 've tried to change everything. When i try to reveal my true self people tend to turn away...

Maybe there is something wrong with me.... maybe its more than that i dunno... sometimes i don't know what i did wrong maybe its just my whole set...I... really feel like i'm worthless and empty inside... just like scraps of flesh and knowledge residue...

Is it normal to be alone? is it normal to be disliked?is it still normal that even if u've changed, people still don't really care? is it me or did the world just got colder... ...?

Creativity more important than Language?!!

Today while discussing our assignment, one of my group members worried that the outcome would not be good. She was worried about the grammar errors or that sort of mistakes that we may make. So, trying to convince her, I said that with me on the team we can put that part of her worries aside(since my language skills is the best in the group) but another member ( we will call Miss D to protect her identity)said one sentence that kinda hurt my feelings as a would be English student...

She said:"Creativity is the most important factor, language is not THAT important. Without creativity, even your language is good also no use." I was shocked so I said ,"Ouch it hurts man!" meaning her comment is somewhat rude. But she didnt get the hint and continue on," But its true what, creativity is MORE important than language..."

As I listen to her point I couldnt help but wonder is her point of view true? After all the world now really depends on one's creativity skills... but then with my honor as a future english degree holder, I couldn't help but feel a little bit angry with her comment.If creativity is THAT important why don't designers just sell their design without talking just SHOW would be enough, all the dilly-dally of talking and selling and persuading with LANGUAGE is not important at all? Why don't a company promote their product just by showing the product without doing a proposal and advertising? Yes, maybe she was talking about grammar wise or something else about language we use but its just... I dunno... not logic....

Language is the most important part of our lives and when you master a kind of language for example English, that skill alone can take you all over the world! I disagree about that point of hers but I stopped myself from saying anything since it may lead to an arguement with my hot temper and all... and also due to the fact that my friend told me the reason why my old-best-friend ignored me(reason=my attitude+the way I talk+I'm moody)

I'm not that kind of person that likes to socialize but I really try not to butt into other people's business and tried very hard to go with the flow... but it seems that there is always something missing, something that is not enough!!

Anyway, since life is hard as it is I try not to care about the negative things ... ... see you guys later!^^

Forgive n Forget

Today something important and meaningful happened in our lecture class... an individual posted some crude comments about our lecturer in his blog, his use of crude language and foul comments really hurt our lecturer... She expressed her feelings before the class, it was depressing to see her like that but by the end of the that individual apologized and his mistake was forgived and forgotten. Still I don't think he should do that, even though proving a point and expressing your feelings in your blog is not wrong but his way of saying it was so harsh it was hurtful and unforgiving. Yes, our lecturer's english is not first class but she has a lot of info or rather "filling " of knowledge on the subject, she can relate boring facts with everyday life situations, that is what we should learn from her... but this bastard(forgive my use of the word) acted as though his use of the english language is the best in the world!!

It is our lecturer who is so kind and composed that she can forgive him for his comments, if it was me I don't think I can be that kind and forgiving. Still... ... if we think about it in more detail, it somehow proves that Sigmund Freud was right about his psychoanalytic theory of the 5 stages of development. Maybe he is unsatisfied during his Oral stage(0-2 years old)...
haha(laughing) it means that maybe he didn't get enough of sucking...or breast feeding...this behavior though, can result into many actions in gratifying his oral needs, like sucking candy,chewing gum, biting pencils... ... and making biting , sarcastic remarks!!

If we think of it this way, it is more easy to understand his behavior and its more easy to forgive him...Well, miss really thaught us and important lesson in forgiving and forgetting. I would remember this incident though, so that I would not offend anyone in the future... ^^

Hi guys, its my first blog post!! yay for me!!
ok im exaggerating its not that important for someone to have her own blog
anyhow, if u read this ... thank for reading
& i'll try to post more things up here ...
Thanks again for reading this :)